did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
