i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
