I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
