i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
