Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
