I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
