I feel like abortions should bother me more
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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