Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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