you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
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I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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