3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
