the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
