Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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