Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
