I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
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You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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