my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
