Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
