You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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