Where is the hickey?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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