I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was born a porn star she said
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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