Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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