News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
