i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
