what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
