New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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