Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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