ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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