I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
