ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
