I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
