Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
