I think I won the penis lottery.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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