I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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