sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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