I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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