it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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