i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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