mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
