So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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