At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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