Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
