I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
