I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
