you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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