the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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