im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
