Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
