:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
