you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
