theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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