woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
