i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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