I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
