Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
