Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
