im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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