Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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