the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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