She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
