and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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