The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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