Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
