So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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