I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
