If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
